ROBOTS OR DINOSAURS?
ROBOTS!
I wanna get drunk
Yesterday was a festival, I went there with a few friends. I should´ve been looking after some friends cause it was their first time to get drunk. Well I got fucked up cause some people I hate wanted to be with them so cause they didn´t drink they toke care of them. I called my best friend and was about to tell her my biggest mistake and secret ever. But even after 16 beers and some shots I was still in such a good condition that I knew that it´s not good to tell her, that I´ve been in love with the wrong guy for almost 1 year.
After the thing between us ended I haven´t forgot him. He is still in my mind. So back to the night… I found some guys whose seemed really nice. They knew my brother so we started to talk.
They tried to get me even more drunk and I started to make out with one of them. He was really nice I remember, he was good looking, he had a really nice car but the important thing is that he really cared how I felt. He was listening to the shit and looked that I wouldn´t get in trouble.
The bad thing is I forgot every single name I heard that night. Well I got a number but it´s from someone´s girlfriend.. So I think I don´t need that one. haha… So when I went back to my friends and we met more people. Then I went to wee-wee in front of my dads workplace. When we walked to my place it started to rain. Then my place was full of strangers. But well I think it wasn´t that bad. I could´ve done something worse.
Well then this evening I went to my best friends place. Her fiance was also there, so well we just were talking about what happened and about their future. They are soon trying to get a baby. I by myself am a little bit afraid that it´s too soon for her, she´s only 16! I still hope she´s doing the right thing.
Well then I started again a fight with my dad, cause mom was away he´s like a dictator. Good that my brother is home and was on my side. I can say that on that day I´m of age I´m so happy to move out and start a new life. Maybe in a other land and just forget my past.
Yeah, so This will be a blog about my problems and stuff like that. I´m not here with my real name, I won´t tell you anything with real names of the persons in my life. I just need a place where I can tell everything about every thought, without being afraid of what someone will be thinking. I have been thru tough things, and have been depressed for a long time but I made it thru it with thinking positive. Now, I think it´s also time to tell someone about what I´m mad etc. and well maybe just without my real name. I place here some facts in about what I like and don´t:
I love:
1. SMOSH!
2. Music
3.Dancing
4.Traveling
5.Laughing
6.Running
7. My family
8.My friends
9.Languages
10.My cat
I hate:
1. Shopping
2.Peoples with hate in their hearts.
All pics I am using are from Weheartit.com Cause, I use my own pics for my real blog. : hhehe…
uuuuuhh sometimes I gotta bad feeling
You know that feeling, when you´re home and feel like everyone is watching what you´re doing. I hate it! I hate it also when you´re parents are asking if you wanna go somewhere with them, like they would be interested about your opinion and then they force you to come.
I can understand that it isn´t easy now for my parents at the time they´re knowing that my grandparents could pass away any second. But god sake it´s not my fault! And honestly I´m not happy about that either.. I just don´t wanna be mean at other.
But in situations like these the best medicine is playing, mostly with my old gameboy mario bros.
Or just trying to forget where I am and dream myself to another place where I have someone to hug and tell how lonely I feel. 
Somehow even I have friends I feel like I would be the loneliest person in the world. I just wanna smile again and go over this shit! I just wanna live my life as it is. I don´t wanna be sorry about myself.
If I had the chance I would like to fall down to Wonderland, like Alice did. They had ideas which were crazy, they did get out of trouble with them. Sometimes I wish I could be the Mad Hatter. I had everyday my unbirthing day, I would be just nuts. It would feel better to fall to a place like that than be in this world, where a beer bottle is saying drink me!
Sometimes dreaming away from situations you hate is the best thing to do. When you face your fears before you´re ready,it could be the reason for you to run away of them the rest of you´re life. That´s something I have learned..
While reading old books, playing epic games and listening to every kind of music, I have learned that everything is possible. And at this moment I feel like doing everything for making my dreams true. And I´m sure really soon I´ll be making my biggest dream reality.
And then one thing which is really taking so much energy of me is, I can´t forget. I wanna forget every single day with him. I wanna forget everything, every smile, everything. But that one thing is really true: Trying to forget someone you loved is like trying to remember someone you´ve never met… What would I do for being feelingless. Still whenn I see him and he smiles it makes up my day, but why? I know there is no way to get him back, cause I would be with that the most selfish person, I would hurt 3 people I love the most. And it´s so hard for me to get know new people. So I think I just have to do it this slow way and wait untill this pain will last.
I hope I´ll be someday happy, really happy. I hope I would be confident about myself. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I´m thinking: Where is the girl who wasn´t afraid of the words of other people, or love. I hope I find that girl again.
pics:weheartit.comlo
BIIITCHHHH
This morning when I woke up I started crying. Why? Cause 1. I was late. 2. I felt sick, sad, fat, ugly, sleepy… 3. I had an exam. When I went to school it was raining and we didn´t have an umbrella.. I walked to school, happy those are just 20 minutes to walk there. A good thing happened my friend Josh picked me up before the rain was becoming even stronger… In school I sat on my usual place, alone in the first row, in the next table Kim and Natalie. We had our english lesson and the english teacher is nice, but old, means she is expecting us to respect her really much and do always our homework! Cause yesterday Kim didn´t get a ride home she was sleeping at Natalies place and didn´t have any books. First the teacher was saying it´s ok. And it won´t be such a big thing cause she did the homework’s with Natalie, but well there was this bitch who said she should get detention for that cause it was the last reminding… Usually I am not saying anything cause I hate taking part in those fights, but cause Kim is such a great friend I said that I have often been in school without books cause my dad couldn´t drive me to moms place, where those books where. But well that bitch started to scream and everything that “yeah, if I forget my books it´s a different thing, but those are your favorite pupils!” I was about to say: ” Yeah, just think about it, why are we her favorite pupils, we are not complaining about every little thing!” But instead I shut my mouth and was thinking how this world would be a better place without her kind of persons… Cause she was complaining then about everything even the boys became annoyed and one even said, “couldn´t you just shut your fucking mouth?!” The teacher was happy to hear that..
Well, after the lesson, we went on our couch sitting there talking about the last month before summer vacation. Then suddenly someone was kicking the door like crazy and we thought there would be again a fight. After some minutes someone got up and opened the door, that bitch was there again complaining about everything and how she is never going to open a door again and so on. At that moment I lost it, usually I wouldn´t bother but I haven´t got sleep for a few weeks so I am now at the end of my power. I started to shout at her and said some facts other have been afraid to say. I realized it only when Josh looked at me and said I shouldn´t start again with fighting. I have made it so great for such a long time. Without alcohol, cigarettes or fighting, but now I think I am again going in the wrong direction. I have been my whole life in therapy for different things: Depression, got bullied, more depression, problems with eating and sleeping, panic attacks and pressure, then using drinking too much and so on… I have just been always someone who gets easy in trouble. I am actually really sorry for my friends and for my bigger brother whose have been always keeping an eye on me. I don´t even wanna remember those things I did!
I´m still sorry about punching my ex in the face, even it wasn´t like with all my energy it was so hard that he had a bruise over his eye and it was even bleeding… I´m happy he forgave me, but I think he won´t ever act like before that happened.
But, to my day again… In the pause the attention hoe of our class came in again crying she broke up with her boyfriend… I would be sorry about that, but they´ve had an on/off relationship and she have left him for 10 times in these past month… So I´m not understanding anymore.. And that girl is anyways so annoying always making drama about things normal people have to face every day..
Well, some things are still making me happy, soon going to move away, maybe that will help me get over my last relationship and that kind of shit… I wanna start a new life and be happy again. I´ve done a lot better this year cause I´ve been working so hard for being good in school. And it is paying itself back I got a 1 in religion so I got the highscore! :) Mom has been so proud of those last exams have been A:s, so she decided to buy me some ben&jerry´s for learning more for the next 3 exams which are in these few days… And well the teacher told us we haven´t time anymore for a math exam, I´m happy about that.
But well to my success in school, I have really been only home and learning. And that´s the reason why I got A:s few months ago I got a panic attack in the middle of an exam, and forgot the important words, even some english and wrote the forgotten words in spanish, but still didn´t get everything on the paper. I talked with the teacher and she told me that she saw how much work I have done for that, so she is looking also my activity in lessons and I am really active. But well bitch and attention hoe were complaining that that´s not fair, cause attention hoe had also a panic attack. (she wrote something mean in the paper and handled it for the teacher) I was about to get a asthma attack etc… You maybe think what if youself are the problem… But I can´t stand that anymore they are complaining even about which clothes I´m wearing!
Still, I hope someday they will change cause, well, they were my friends a year ago. But they just have changed, and bitch can even be nice, I am at the same place working with her and then she is ok. Only when she is with attention hoe she is a bitch…
Ok, to the subject which is killing me… I am normal weighting but still I am so unsure. I am trying to lose some weight, healthy of course. Like going to jog and eating healthy stuff and sweets only once a week. Still I feel like the grossest hippo ever. I know I shouldn´t be like this complaining about things like this, but it´s taking all my strength...
Still I am facing my fears every fear I have! I´m already doing exercise and eating healthy, not afraid of needles anymore, the next things are insects and myself.
But yeah, maybe it´s sick but those just are things I can´t handle… But being able to write all this makes me feel so much better. I am happy I made the decision to make this blog :) Try by yourself too !
